Being human is difficult. We mess up. When we mess up, it is because the three elements of the soul are not in harmony with each other. Reason looses out to desire, usually. We realize we mess up because our spirit, the third elements, points it out to us.
Tonight I feel into the temptation. Now it is 3:11 am, it’s a new day. But just a few hours ago in the last hour of the old day, I watched clips of pornography. I gave in to see those men in their solo sexual acts. And even though I orgasmed, especially after seeing the second video or parts of it (no conozco nadie que ha vista una película de porno hasta la final, es muy dificil – Felipe dijo durante una clase cuando la conversación se dirigió a este tema). I wanted it and I got it. And so it came, spewing out of my underwear and soiling them. But then came my hot regret, much more fiery than the passion that sought out those clips.
So what? Well, I feel unsatisfied. I am still thirsty and from experience, I know porn won’t satisfy this hunger within. Rather, it will only make it grow. Is this what they call addiction?
Was I addicted? Am I? I had not looked “or checked” any porn since more than a year ago. Now I succumb to it. Well better succumb to this than actually letting a man fuck me, something I have also been contemplating.
Plato says my three elements are out of sync. Jesus says “pray that you do not fall into temptation”. They both actually said that, the former being just before the passion of Jesus. Jesus went to an isolated spot in the garden and prayed, came back, found his disciples asleep and roused them, asking them to pray and keep watch. I need to sleep.
“Lord I see you, you are still read to take me, even though even though, even though, that’s gestaldt (Remember that woman from Washington DC?)”
I wrote this just after looking at the second video. The repeated even though was what a woman in the reception of the back packers in Washington DC during the Spring break trip ’08 kept on saying followed by “that’s gestaldt”.
She actually spoke of understanding our bodies. “You want to eat, but is your body hungry? Is it or are you just eating?” I think she said, I may misquote her, to us Princeton students. Was she crazy or just reaffirming something Platonic? That we have different faculties, so it is possible to be at once thirsty and yet bar oneself from drinking. But I think she also spoke of understanding oneself. Did I really want porn after I finished learning some of the R language or was just out of habit – one I learnt at Princeton – to go onto porn late at night? What about my counter habit of listening to streaming Tenth Avenue North Christian music. I guess I need to understand what I want.
I do want to do it. I want sex! Admitting this to myself makes me realize I am just like any other human. So why is not enough for me that I masturbate while meditating on Jesus? Or is it more than enough? Perhaps it’s just that I calculate the sum of pleasure and pain wrongly, like Plato wrote about in the Protagoras. I think it will be great for me to watch the porn, but in reality, it sullies my ability to feel pleasure. So Lord, won’t you clean this up for me?
Apparently, the guy who I was watching on Xtube was (I am not sure if he still is) a student at the University of Hawaai and was threatened with expulsion for shooting one of his videos in a university lecture hall. That university even said students should call campus safety if they spot him! So how good is it watching something that was later someone’s downfall? I followed the paper trail (news) about his activities and the last story read “22 Dec 2010: University of Hawaai student makes it big as a porn star.”
So by clicking onto his video I was supporting the comodification of young man, even though I did not pay for that video.
