Easter Sunday

I had to have the last word. I knew that as I kneeled on the ground. I looked straight ahead over my rug to the desk in front of me. There it was my task. La mia scrivania. I had sinned, as usual. I was last on a website that streamed video of a man in a red wrestling suit stimulating himself. That was the last time I was on the internet and it was me exchanging the beauty of intimacy with my Lord Jesus for a lie. Now, I could not just let that be the last time I was on the computer could I?

I thought I was over this whole pornography thing. I know you may not agree, but I know pornography is dreadful. I know it can be addictive – when you cannot stop yourself. So this is my process to pornography, I search first for terms in normal language connected with sex such as ‘ejaculation video’, trying to avoid the pornographic key words. But then after a few minutues of scrolling, I just succumb and go for the keywords I know – jerking offm jacj off, video (what else?).

‘you like to jerk off’ that was what he told me, David. He was a guy on a trip of heroin that I met after I crossed Washington road from the CJL after one Shabbat dinner. David was bubbling and his head was bouncing as he listened to his music and I laughed at him. He turned back and asked me what I was laughing at. I said nothing really and he just was completely frank with me : “I am just this gay guy called David”. I could tell as much. I now think to myself was I just amused that he was smiling and bouncing and loving it in his own way – that was gay – or was I actually checking him out? It does not matter. David was a heroin trip, one which he said he did not want to do, but he also did. Plato, the Republic the three parts of the soul. I wrote my philosophy essay based on my encounter with him,

Dear please help me. Help David. Help us all.

I am human and I do sin.

I think back to when I used wonder the garden of our first house, looking up to the sky, until I one day asked God to show himself to me, literally! I was fed up of hearing about him and I wanted to just see. Naïve as I was, I was ready for him to just do so. I must have been no older than 9. I remember seeing a brown eye just behind a tree. It was brown and it moved, like an eye moves in the socket. What a feeling then of first thinking it was my own reflection – my own eye – and later realizing the blue sky just does not reflect. I ran. Somehow, I was scarred, but not that scared. I kept it to myself, that this had happened. There was just noway to really articulate it or tell anyone. To me, it seems to strange I was not scarred to death. Non ho morto di paura. Adesso, non ho più paura.

Years later I remembered that eye when I visited Bulgaria as a student. At the church at the local park, the Orthodox Church, there is a brown eye peering down at the people entering, just above the doorway, I believe. My grandmother used to take me there often.Today she called to ask if I remember how we used to go for easter – the ‘great day’ as we say in Bulgarian.

My sister is an escort. I will pray for her too. I hope she has really stopped.

Life is difficult. I am wondering how I reached so far! The space in this life feels so tingly and like bags of tiredness under the eyes. Only with dance and art and science can we make it good, for me.

Jesus did die on the cross. So even though I sinned today, I know he has triumphed, even though the day seems ruined. The beautiful Easter Sunday, today, ruined in the last one and half hours, I know that it is not. ‘I am blessed with the gift of just blocking out all the negative things in my life, I can just block it out and I can even forget it,’ said Lurencia, a lesbian woman who lives in my neighborhood, who I met on Friday. I lent her about 20 dollars and I know I probably won’t get them back. I think I will tell her how I feel: I do not want to dwell on these 20 bucks (or so depending on the US $ and NAM $ exchange rate), I want to be her friend. If she can’t pay me, whatever (though its not necessarily ok), I will just have to accept it. I knew that when I lent her the money, people just tend to borrow and never return, especially neighbors.

Life is so tiring. I feel tired.

Time to go to sleep.

Time to sleep.

Good night

Buona notte,

Bonne nuit

Buenas Noches

Leka No6t.