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why so addictive? Written back in 2010, how my views have changed

Why is Pornography addictive in the first place. I wanted to just check my email and go to sleep but then I have very little mettle when it comes to resisting temptation: As Oscar Wilde said, I can resist everything but temptation. I wanted to expatiate about the lack of valorisation of our indigenious languages in Namibia, but then I ended up logging onto xtube. First I logged onto the the Proverbs, Bible on line reading them. What did I do next? Opened another window for XTUBE and watched a guy jerk himself off, reclining, where I only see his body, chest, torso and thighs, with his chin and mouth being the only visible part of his head. White guy. What is is hiding from, why not show himself entirely? Is it that he is ashamed or is that he prefers we not recognize him.

I wish I could say that X-tube is not for profit site and none of the "models" are being exploited. Then again, each of them has a link where you the voyeur can make a financial contribution. Voyeur is perhaps inappropriate as all we are looking at is something pixalated a video no different than the ones made by computer programers. It is not a real person, it is just pixels and sounds recorded. The person who was before the camera is not there at the time, neither is he in the computer. He is gone. That is my obloquy of pornography and X tube.

I wish Christianity would provide me with a panacea for all addictions. But it is not, rather it gives you a way to battle through them. And that is what I am doing, battling, click by click, word by word, prayer by prayer.

I do not belive that my watching of porn is nugatory or a pecadillo. It is serious, I am partaking in the comodification of the body! Though I am not paying, I am demanding that video. And too think that it was only on Sunday, a mere four days ago that I saw porn and I already want more!

Oh Lord Help me!

Postscriptum:
We have now entered a post-pornography age. The work of visual artist-cum-researcher (no pun intended, he does actual art, not to say porn is not art, but alright, let me stop here) speaks to how technology allows us to look and hear each other, for the sake of having a gay old time(that includes straight folks too).
Here is title to his article on the matter

Colonising antinormative sex: The flexibility of post-porn heterosex in random webcam sex

 

Lent 2017

Lent day 1. Ash wednesday.
Alors, c'est pas tout a' fait mal. En effet, c'est pas mal due tout. Jái une maison, jái un boulot et en plus un boulout qui m'appassionne.
Donc, pourquoi suis-je désespéré? 
O Dieu, tout puisssant, touche-moi. J'ai besoin de ton touche'.
Je suis content de penser que je vais un jour penser que cette periode e'tait moins mal que je pensais.

This point in my life A questo punto della mia vita

Per capire come evitare la tentazione del sesso tramite tecnologia, che non e' intimo, devo ammettere una cosa. A questo punto della mia vita, ho scelto di sviluppare la mia carriera. In oltre, non mi trovo in una situazione faccile, ne in un paese completatment accogliente. Anzi, devo ammettere questa scelta e capirne le conseguenze. In questo punto, magari non uscirei con qualcuno, ma non fa niente. Gesu' e' sempre con me.

Dinner on the Feast of the Holy Name

Instead of working from a cafe, I decided to go the Catholic Church. I could then donate some of the money to the Church, in exchange for their wifi. And so I did - the priest was travelling to Kenya, so I got a litre of juice for the dinner that happens after every mass at St Boniface Parish, Pioneerspark, Windhoek.
And I had a touching experience. After mass, in the dinning hall we congregated together for a small dinner, two priests and young ladies. One of them sat next to me and somehow we chatted first on the commentaries - Catholic ones - of the Bible. I told her that I did not like traditional commentaries, but rather blogs on the experiences of individual Catholics. Then the topic of same-sex attraction came, since I mentioned one of my favorite places was a site called Gospel for Gays. The blog had a traditional commentary of the gospel followed by a queer prespective, for your interest. In any case, the young lady and I sat close to each other, engaging in intimate dialogue of what I believed. In the background, the priest spoke quite loudly with the other young women, saying something or the other about how one should have children early : “...and then you only have a few years before menopause”. I let it remain in background as I listened attentively to what Kelly spoke to me about. She honestly listened and wanted to know my point of view. I think she realized that I was not ignorant on the matter after I explained to her how patronizing many Catholic videos or texts on the “Church’s teaching on same-sex attraction are”. I told her there may be one Magesterium - Church law - but that Pope ushered in a new way of thinking in his Amoris Laetitia letter. He stated LGBT people need to find the will of God in their own lives and that is what priests ought to help them do. Notice how that allows for people to live the lives acccording to their relationship with God. Not a patronizing attitude of guiding them away from their sin. I find this radical.

She asked me “Do you want to get married one day?”
I answered affirmitively, but she had to ask again “I mean within your same-sex attraction?”
Clearly my first reply was furtive and vague. Then I said “Yes of course. But I am not sure I want to have a Catholic marriage, even if I could”. This last addition exposed my actual uneasiness of asserting myself, even now years after comming out and being out in the Church at the University of Cape Town. I also pointed to my misgivings regarding divorce and marriage. Not to mention the whole focus on procreation.

I hope you are doing well my friends!
I miss you.
This blog piece is merely meant to inspire you and give you some spiritual fodder.

Going to sleep and feminist porn

So here I am again.. Though this time I am very much aware of what is happening. In my search to rid myself of porn use at night, I discovered a critique of racism and sexual objectification of african american men in pornography. The video clip ended with a reference to "masturbate for equity" and links to feminist porn.
Look at those images, I see that feminist porn is really honest - the video of a man on one site gentelmen handling was not flashy. It was a rather ordinary foto of a man lying on his back jerking off, nothing more than that. Since it was so simple, I quickly allowed my breathing to soften and there was no reason for me to feel so anxious, in fact I calmed down. The nervousness built up inside of me during all other porn sessions just disappeared. I did not continue watching, because I sourced via a third party and when I went to the original site, I discovered that piracy was a problem they had faced before closing down.Well, so I guess the men on the site were just honest "sex workers" , but it was not for me.

Easter Sunday

I had to have the last word. I knew that as I kneeled on the ground. I looked straight ahead over my rug to the desk in front of me. There it was my task. La mia scrivania. I had sinned, as usual. I was last on a website that streamed video of a man in a red wrestling suit stimulating himself. That was the last time I was on the internet and it was me exchanging the beauty of intimacy with my Lord Jesus for a lie. Now, I could not just let that be the last time I was on the computer could I?

I thought I was over this whole pornography thing. I know you may not agree, but I know pornography is dreadful. I know it can be addictive – when you cannot stop yourself. So this is my process to pornography, I search first for terms in normal language connected with sex such as ‘ejaculation video’, trying to avoid the pornographic key words. But then after a few minutues of scrolling, I just succumb and go for the keywords I know – jerking offm jacj off, video (what else?).

‘you like to jerk off’ that was what he told me, David. He was a guy on a trip of heroin that I met after I crossed Washington road from the CJL after one Shabbat dinner. David was bubbling and his head was bouncing as he listened to his music and I laughed at him. He turned back and asked me what I was laughing at. I said nothing really and he just was completely frank with me : “I am just this gay guy called David”. I could tell as much. I now think to myself was I just amused that he was smiling and bouncing and loving it in his own way – that was gay – or was I actually checking him out? It does not matter. David was a heroin trip, one which he said he did not want to do, but he also did. Plato, the Republic the three parts of the soul. I wrote my philosophy essay based on my encounter with him,

Dear please help me. Help David. Help us all.

I am human and I do sin.

I think back to when I used wonder the garden of our first house, looking up to the sky, until I one day asked God to show himself to me, literally! I was fed up of hearing about him and I wanted to just see. Naïve as I was, I was ready for him to just do so. I must have been no older than 9. I remember seeing a brown eye just behind a tree. It was brown and it moved, like an eye moves in the socket. What a feeling then of first thinking it was my own reflection – my own eye – and later realizing the blue sky just does not reflect. I ran. Somehow, I was scarred, but not that scared. I kept it to myself, that this had happened. There was just noway to really articulate it or tell anyone. To me, it seems to strange I was not scarred to death. Non ho morto di paura. Adesso, non ho più paura.

Years later I remembered that eye when I visited Bulgaria as a student. At the church at the local park, the Orthodox Church, there is a brown eye peering down at the people entering, just above the doorway, I believe. My grandmother used to take me there often.Today she called to ask if I remember how we used to go for easter – the ‘great day’ as we say in Bulgarian.

My sister is an escort. I will pray for her too. I hope she has really stopped.

Life is difficult. I am wondering how I reached so far! The space in this life feels so tingly and like bags of tiredness under the eyes. Only with dance and art and science can we make it good, for me.

Jesus did die on the cross. So even though I sinned today, I know he has triumphed, even though the day seems ruined. The beautiful Easter Sunday, today, ruined in the last one and half hours, I know that it is not. ‘I am blessed with the gift of just blocking out all the negative things in my life, I can just block it out and I can even forget it,’ said Lurencia, a lesbian woman who lives in my neighborhood, who I met on Friday. I lent her about 20 dollars and I know I probably won’t get them back. I think I will tell her how I feel: I do not want to dwell on these 20 bucks (or so depending on the US $ and NAM $ exchange rate), I want to be her friend. If she can’t pay me, whatever (though its not necessarily ok), I will just have to accept it. I knew that when I lent her the money, people just tend to borrow and never return, especially neighbors.

Life is so tiring. I feel tired.

Time to go to sleep.

Time to sleep.

Good night

Buona notte,

Bonne nuit

Buenas Noches

Leka No6t.