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A dollar a day.

why so addictive? Written back in 2010, how my views have changed

Why is Pornography addictive in the first place. I wanted to just check my email and go to sleep but then I have very little mettle when it comes to resisting temptation: As Oscar Wilde said, I can resist everything but temptation. I wanted to expatiate about the lack of valorisation of our indigenious languages in Namibia, but then I ended up logging onto xtube. First I logged onto the the Proverbs, Bible on line reading them. What did I do next? Opened another window for XTUBE and watched a guy jerk himself off, reclining, where I only see his body, chest, torso and thighs, with his chin and mouth being the only visible part of his head. White guy. What is is hiding from, why not show himself entirely? Is it that he is ashamed or is that he prefers we not recognize him.

I wish I could say that X-tube is not for profit site and none of the "models" are being exploited. Then again, each of them has a link where you the voyeur can make a financial contribution. Voyeur is perhaps inappropriate as all we are looking at is something pixalated a video no different than the ones made by computer programers. It is not a real person, it is just pixels and sounds recorded. The person who was before the camera is not there at the time, neither is he in the computer. He is gone. That is my obloquy of pornography and X tube.

I wish Christianity would provide me with a panacea for all addictions. But it is not, rather it gives you a way to battle through them. And that is what I am doing, battling, click by click, word by word, prayer by prayer.

I do not belive that my watching of porn is nugatory or a pecadillo. It is serious, I am partaking in the comodification of the body! Though I am not paying, I am demanding that video. And too think that it was only on Sunday, a mere four days ago that I saw porn and I already want more!

Oh Lord Help me!

Postscriptum:
We have now entered a post-pornography age. The work of visual artist-cum-researcher (no pun intended, he does actual art, not to say porn is not art, but alright, let me stop here) speaks to how technology allows us to look and hear each other, for the sake of having a gay old time(that includes straight folks too).
Here is title to his article on the matter

Colonising antinormative sex: The flexibility of post-porn heterosex in random webcam sex

 

Lent 2017

Lent day 1. Ash wednesday.
Alors, c'est pas tout a' fait mal. En effet, c'est pas mal due tout. Jái une maison, jái un boulot et en plus un boulout qui m'appassionne.
Donc, pourquoi suis-je désespéré? 
O Dieu, tout puisssant, touche-moi. J'ai besoin de ton touche'.
Je suis content de penser que je vais un jour penser que cette periode e'tait moins mal que je pensais.

This point in my life A questo punto della mia vita

Per capire come evitare la tentazione del sesso tramite tecnologia, che non e' intimo, devo ammettere una cosa. A questo punto della mia vita, ho scelto di sviluppare la mia carriera. In oltre, non mi trovo in una situazione faccile, ne in un paese completatment accogliente. Anzi, devo ammettere questa scelta e capirne le conseguenze. In questo punto, magari non uscirei con qualcuno, ma non fa niente. Gesu' e' sempre con me.

Dinner on the Feast of the Holy Name

Instead of working from a cafe, I decided to go the Catholic Church. I could then donate some of the money to the Church, in exchange for their wifi. And so I did - the priest was travelling to Kenya, so I got a litre of juice for the dinner that happens after every mass at St Boniface Parish, Pioneerspark, Windhoek.
And I had a touching experience. After mass, in the dinning hall we congregated together for a small dinner, two priests and young ladies. One of them sat next to me and somehow we chatted first on the commentaries - Catholic ones - of the Bible. I told her that I did not like traditional commentaries, but rather blogs on the experiences of individual Catholics. Then the topic of same-sex attraction came, since I mentioned one of my favorite places was a site called Gospel for Gays. The blog had a traditional commentary of the gospel followed by a queer prespective, for your interest. In any case, the young lady and I sat close to each other, engaging in intimate dialogue of what I believed. In the background, the priest spoke quite loudly with the other young women, saying something or the other about how one should have children early : “...and then you only have a few years before menopause”. I let it remain in background as I listened attentively to what Kelly spoke to me about. She honestly listened and wanted to know my point of view. I think she realized that I was not ignorant on the matter after I explained to her how patronizing many Catholic videos or texts on the “Church’s teaching on same-sex attraction are”. I told her there may be one Magesterium - Church law - but that Pope ushered in a new way of thinking in his Amoris Laetitia letter. He stated LGBT people need to find the will of God in their own lives and that is what priests ought to help them do. Notice how that allows for people to live the lives acccording to their relationship with God. Not a patronizing attitude of guiding them away from their sin. I find this radical.

She asked me “Do you want to get married one day?”
I answered affirmitively, but she had to ask again “I mean within your same-sex attraction?”
Clearly my first reply was furtive and vague. Then I said “Yes of course. But I am not sure I want to have a Catholic marriage, even if I could”. This last addition exposed my actual uneasiness of asserting myself, even now years after comming out and being out in the Church at the University of Cape Town. I also pointed to my misgivings regarding divorce and marriage. Not to mention the whole focus on procreation.

I hope you are doing well my friends!
I miss you.
This blog piece is merely meant to inspire you and give you some spiritual fodder.

Going to sleep and feminist porn

So here I am again.. Though this time I am very much aware of what is happening. In my search to rid myself of porn use at night, I discovered a critique of racism and sexual objectification of african american men in pornography. The video clip ended with a reference to "masturbate for equity" and links to feminist porn.
Look at those images, I see that feminist porn is really honest - the video of a man on one site gentelmen handling was not flashy. It was a rather ordinary foto of a man lying on his back jerking off, nothing more than that. Since it was so simple, I quickly allowed my breathing to soften and there was no reason for me to feel so anxious, in fact I calmed down. The nervousness built up inside of me during all other porn sessions just disappeared. I did not continue watching, because I sourced via a third party and when I went to the original site, I discovered that piracy was a problem they had faced before closing down.Well, so I guess the men on the site were just honest "sex workers" , but it was not for me.

Easter Sunday

I had to have the last word. I knew that as I kneeled on the ground. I looked straight ahead over my rug to the desk in front of me. There it was my task. La mia scrivania. I had sinned, as usual. I was last on a website that streamed video of a man in a red wrestling suit stimulating himself. That was the last time I was on the internet and it was me exchanging the beauty of intimacy with my Lord Jesus for a lie. Now, I could not just let that be the last time I was on the computer could I?

I thought I was over this whole pornography thing. I know you may not agree, but I know pornography is dreadful. I know it can be addictive – when you cannot stop yourself. So this is my process to pornography, I search first for terms in normal language connected with sex such as ‘ejaculation video’, trying to avoid the pornographic key words. But then after a few minutues of scrolling, I just succumb and go for the keywords I know – jerking offm jacj off, video (what else?).

‘you like to jerk off’ that was what he told me, David. He was a guy on a trip of heroin that I met after I crossed Washington road from the CJL after one Shabbat dinner. David was bubbling and his head was bouncing as he listened to his music and I laughed at him. He turned back and asked me what I was laughing at. I said nothing really and he just was completely frank with me : “I am just this gay guy called David”. I could tell as much. I now think to myself was I just amused that he was smiling and bouncing and loving it in his own way – that was gay – or was I actually checking him out? It does not matter. David was a heroin trip, one which he said he did not want to do, but he also did. Plato, the Republic the three parts of the soul. I wrote my philosophy essay based on my encounter with him,

Dear please help me. Help David. Help us all.

I am human and I do sin.

I think back to when I used wonder the garden of our first house, looking up to the sky, until I one day asked God to show himself to me, literally! I was fed up of hearing about him and I wanted to just see. Naïve as I was, I was ready for him to just do so. I must have been no older than 9. I remember seeing a brown eye just behind a tree. It was brown and it moved, like an eye moves in the socket. What a feeling then of first thinking it was my own reflection – my own eye – and later realizing the blue sky just does not reflect. I ran. Somehow, I was scarred, but not that scared. I kept it to myself, that this had happened. There was just noway to really articulate it or tell anyone. To me, it seems to strange I was not scarred to death. Non ho morto di paura. Adesso, non ho più paura.

Years later I remembered that eye when I visited Bulgaria as a student. At the church at the local park, the Orthodox Church, there is a brown eye peering down at the people entering, just above the doorway, I believe. My grandmother used to take me there often.Today she called to ask if I remember how we used to go for easter – the ‘great day’ as we say in Bulgarian.

My sister is an escort. I will pray for her too. I hope she has really stopped.

Life is difficult. I am wondering how I reached so far! The space in this life feels so tingly and like bags of tiredness under the eyes. Only with dance and art and science can we make it good, for me.

Jesus did die on the cross. So even though I sinned today, I know he has triumphed, even though the day seems ruined. The beautiful Easter Sunday, today, ruined in the last one and half hours, I know that it is not. ‘I am blessed with the gift of just blocking out all the negative things in my life, I can just block it out and I can even forget it,’ said Lurencia, a lesbian woman who lives in my neighborhood, who I met on Friday. I lent her about 20 dollars and I know I probably won’t get them back. I think I will tell her how I feel: I do not want to dwell on these 20 bucks (or so depending on the US $ and NAM $ exchange rate), I want to be her friend. If she can’t pay me, whatever (though its not necessarily ok), I will just have to accept it. I knew that when I lent her the money, people just tend to borrow and never return, especially neighbors.

Life is so tiring. I feel tired.

Time to go to sleep.

Time to sleep.

Good night

Buona notte,

Bonne nuit

Buenas Noches

Leka No6t.

New Year, Old Temptations (what a cheesy title!)

Being human is difficult. We mess up. When we mess up, it is because the three elements of the soul are not in harmony with each other. Reason looses out to desire, usually. We realize we mess up because our spirit, the third elements, points it out to us.

Tonight I feel into the temptation. Now it is 3:11 am, it’s a new day. But just a few hours ago in the last hour of the old day, I watched clips of pornography. I gave in to see those men in their solo sexual acts. And even though I orgasmed, especially after seeing the second video or parts of it (no conozco nadie que ha vista una película de porno hasta la final, es muy dificil – Felipe dijo durante una clase cuando la conversación se dirigió a este tema). I wanted it and I got it. And so it came, spewing out of my underwear and soiling them. But then came my hot regret, much more fiery than the passion that sought out those clips.

So what? Well, I feel unsatisfied. I am still thirsty and from experience, I know porn won’t satisfy this hunger within. Rather, it will only make it grow. Is this what they call addiction?

Was I addicted? Am I? I had not looked “or checked” any porn since more than a year ago. Now I succumb to it. Well better succumb to this than actually letting a man fuck me, something I have also been contemplating.

Plato says my three elements are out of sync. Jesus says “pray that you do not fall into temptation”. They both actually said that, the former being just before the passion of Jesus. Jesus went to an isolated spot in the garden and prayed, came back, found his disciples asleep and roused them, asking them to pray and keep watch. I need to sleep.

“Lord I see you, you are still read to take me, even though even though, even though, that’s gestaldt (Remember that woman from Washington DC?)”

I wrote this just after looking at the second video. The repeated even though was what a woman in the reception of the back packers in Washington DC during the Spring break trip ’08 kept on saying followed by “that’s gestaldt”.

She actually spoke of understanding our bodies. “You want to eat, but is your body hungry? Is it or are you just eating?” I think she said, I may misquote her, to us Princeton students. Was she crazy or just reaffirming something Platonic? That we have different faculties, so it is possible to be at once thirsty and yet bar oneself from drinking. But I think she also spoke of understanding oneself. Did I really want porn after I finished learning some of the R language or was just out of habit – one I learnt at Princeton – to go onto porn late at night? What about my counter habit of listening to streaming Tenth Avenue North Christian music. I guess I need to understand what I want.

I do want to do it. I want sex! Admitting this to myself makes me realize I am just like any other human. So why is not enough for me that I masturbate while meditating on Jesus? Or is it more than enough? Perhaps it’s just that I calculate the sum of pleasure and pain wrongly, like Plato wrote about in the Protagoras. I think it will be great for me to watch the porn, but in reality, it sullies my ability to feel pleasure. So Lord, won’t you clean this up for me?

Apparently, the guy who I was watching on Xtube was (I am not sure if he still is) a student at the University of Hawaai and was threatened with expulsion for shooting one of his videos in a university lecture hall. That university even said students should call campus safety if they spot him! So how good is it watching something that was later someone’s downfall? I followed the paper trail (news) about his activities and the last story read “22 Dec 2010: University of Hawaai student makes it big as a porn star.”

So by clicking onto his video I was supporting the comodification of young man, even though I did not pay for that video.

Letters

Letters

St Paul wrote them to people of the ancient world. So I will write some to my friends and I have written a few already. Using letters, how can I reach out to people and still them about the Lord? Without referring to scripture, as St Paul did, what about my faith can I communicate? My reluctance to use scripture stems from dogmatic views which dogmatic – or scholastic people (my mother calls me one) – often legitimize through scripture. I purposefully distance myself from dogma, which are negative in all respects, but I want to embrace the promises of the Lord – which are always positive, truly Glad tidings, as opposed to adherence to the gospel because those who do will perish. I am indeed picking and choosing what I want to share with people. The fire and hell, the goats and non-wheat (basically for burning) the pots meant for “ordinary use” and the potter who chooses to destroy them, I am leaving it out, unless one wants to discuss these.

There is no diluting, no sugarcoating, no simplification of the good news. Jesus loves us, period. There are no ‘subtleties’ to that love, it was once claimed in the Manna Revisions newsletter, it is love – pure love , the love St Paul speaks about (yes that is a part of scripture I must share “love is patient, love is kind”.)

Robert Richard – that’s your name. Can you believe that we met only three ago in the University Chapel and you told it to me? Actually, three weeks into the future will be the one year anniversary of our meeting. I told you then, as we sat together on those dark wooden pews in that august chapel with towering grey walls, that I would write to you. So here I am writing to you, Robert Richard. I hope you are doing well. The good Lord has blessed us both for having us go to Princeton. Now, I wonder, what is it that we are to do? I hope we will each find the Lord’s calling.

Keep in touch!

Pancho Mulongeni ‘09

Poem

Pornography, proclicivity,

Pornivity, porclivty, what is it to me that you show me your willy?

Now really, Billy!

What you doing there with that hand,

Boy,

Did not anyone ever tell you that its not grand,

You are not a star,

But a mere likeness of a human going ahhh,

Pornography, proclivity,

Pornivity, proclivity, what is to me that you show me your willy?
Stroke it baby, yeah, stroke it good,

Ain’t it wonderful to see that, hear that sound of uuuuuh!

Like someone being shot in the hood,

But here your stroking or should I saw polishing your rifle,

Back and forth,

So fast and it comes out when your gun is straight as the Eifel,

Shooting up north

Pornography, proclivity,

Pornivit,y proclivity, what is to me that you show me your willy?
baby you are already so beautiful,

Why do you do this,

Selling your body to become mere foder for the eyes,

Don’t you know that what they say is lies,

Easy money,

No way,

There is something you have to surrender for that pay,

Your sense of being wonderful

As just who you are,

Without someone judging on how far,

You shoot,

Or the size of your cock,

Cut or uncut,

You are beautiful!

Maybe I should given in

To this proclivity and just (lust)

Let it be

My sister is in the business (apparently),

So why not just consume from it,

With glee.

But wait, what is there in it so see?

Panchography

Images, pixalated, sounds, recorded, of a human being who is not present at the time of your viewing. There is just the motion picture - the form of human - and some of the details, presented to you. While the actual person - the actor - is long since gone, doing something else, living their life while you sit and watch.

Trial?

Why am I going onto X-tube again?
Oh Lord, and I am grossed out by it too.
No satisfaction, no pleasure, just grossed out.
So this must be a trial that I have to overcome
and I will
Love you
Lord
Pancho

I am watching a new video, what the hell, why did I click here, what am I doing here.
Yeah, I nearly watched an entire video. Luckily for me, it did not load all of it. What's going on here.
what is going on?

Jesus,
I love you
I am not afraid of asking for help
so help me please

Its soo easy for someone again. To click onto the link and open the page. Also, its just as easy to close the window, I found, just as easy.Very easy,
so that's what I am doing closing those windows

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Well. how man people live on less than a dollar a day.
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New Post

Is it ever justifiable, to sit in front of a camera, run your hand up and down over your bare chest and stomach and reach into
your pants every now and then? When you are ready, you go in and bring out for the viewers to see and you jack it, jack it good for them
for their money's worth.

So I wonder, if you are living with your child and a single father, could it be justified? No food in the fridge and bills to pay, circumstances push you into doing this.
Indigence, this is not a reason I believe, to turn your body into a digital comodity.
While I am writing this, the same though paces through my mind, going back to that youtube video and watching that guy,
stroke his body, this just this, brought me to the point of no return. No ectasy, though accompanied this ejaculation. It was just a raw, hormal response to visual stimuli.
Come on you lousy "3G" modem, connect so I can get off and pretend I am actually doing something with substance.
My Brie sandwich is half eaten, Brie onions and lettuce.

Why did I come to the computer with this sandwich half eaten, is it because I desire to go again to this video, or is it to actually write something about my wish to public health.
The latter, is the motivator. How can I make it overcome these other desires? How can I sublimate this need?
Christ the Glorious King. He knows.


Suck dick, suck dick, suck dick. That's what I could go out, find someone to suck, and suck him off. Now why don't I?

I am an agent a perosn, able to choose, not at mercy of my desires.

tooo lat

Youtube it iseems has these porn previews and I fell for them hook line and sinker. I even clicked on the link on the video and it was for "broke straight boys".
Apparently, it was a man, a 22 year old and 23 year old they can't pay their tuition so this is why they do this. To what extent it is made up, I have no idea, however, it sounds like their bodies are being comodified.
I have decided to log in permanently, so that I can get into my blog, before google.
Oh brother, look at what I have become?
What have I become ?
Even my cousin is online in Bulgaria and she asked me what I am doing so late online
I had to lie and say I am writing letters to friends!

Pheww

I need to delete the link for X tube here.

So why am I doing this?

RElly what I am doing online searching for "Randy blue free preview"? I am not even horny, I don;t understand me. I am really upset by the fact my father comes home later every night and that means I only see him once or twice per 24 hour period, such that I am becomming accustomed to him as a rarity and thus forgeting what it means to spend time with him.
He needs to know what is going in my life. you know.